The REAL Real Folks Blues
by curiousvillage
Summary: this is the simple plot of cowboy bebop


SPIKE: hey gang welcome to the directors commentary on my hit show

BOYMENS COWJAZZ

JET: hey how should we do this because half of this show is filler if you really want to get technical

SPIKE: if its in here its important

JET: all COWBOY BEBOP episodes are QUEENS

SPIKE: if she breath she a FILLER

JET: anyways

what happens in the first episode

i mean SESSION

SPIKE: that was filler

JET: but what about the parts with the BLOODY EYE

SPIKE: you mean RED EYE

JET: fuck off

SPIKE: on to SESSION 2

this is where story happens

JET: didnt you fight HAKEEM ABDUL JABBAR

SPIKE: lets take a look

[SESSION 2: STRAY DOG STRUT]

JET: someone stole a dog

SPIKE: yeah fuck dogs

im going to go congratulate him

JET: he has a bounty now

SPIKE: and arrest him

ABDUL HAKEM: i was in a BRUCE LEE movie

SPIKE: okay

ill be BRUCE LEE

[SPIKE hicks his head off so hard it doesnt come off]

BIG SCIENCE BOYS: we want that PUP

SPIKE: well i sure as fuck dont want it

and since you ask

im gonna have to keep the dog

[the POLICE arrest everyone but SPIKE and THE DOG]

JET: the dogs name is EIN

SPIKE: i dont care at all

[END of SESSION 2]

SPIKE: well JET

what did you think of that episode

i mean SESSION

JET: was i even in that one

SPIKE: probably we were the only established characters as of SESSION 2

JET: speaking of established characters

how about this next session

fuck it im calling it episode

how about this next one SPIKE

SPIKE: yeah

its when we met FAYE

JET: let me tell you all about it

[SESSION 3: HONKY TONK WOMAN]

FAYE: hello boys

JET: we are poor bounty hunters

FAYE: goodbye boys

[END of SESSION 3]

SPIKE: and we never saw her again

FAYE: you can fuck right off

JET: sometimes i imagine shes still here to take the pain away

FAYE: im so tired of fake friends

SPIKE: never relate me with friend ever again

FAYE: asshole

JET: uh so anyways heres the next one

[SESSION 4: GATEWAY SHUFFLE aka RETURN OF JAFAYE]

SPACE WARRIORS: we are ECOTERRORISTS

and we hate people who are bad to the enviornment

SPIKE: wow am i glad i just ate 35 LIVE FISH

JET: brb SPIKE im gonna go chop down a forrest

MURDOCH: hey do you guys like APE ESCAPE

[SPIKE puts a gun to MURDOCH's head]

SPIKE: in this house we only play BANJO KAZOOIE

[FAYE shows up]

FAYE: hey i get some of her bounty when you turn her in

SPIKE: why would i agree to that

FAYE: please

SPIKE: wow what a good point

wait NO

no its not

goodbye

SONS OF MURDOCH: this is for SHREK!

[THE SPACE WARRIORS threathen to unleash a VERY BAD VIRUS into the general public of GANYMEDE]

SPIKE: oh fuck...

what times is it in GANYMEDE

JET: its AUTUMN IN GANYMEDE

SPIKE: well fuck now we gotta let her go

[the BEBOP BOYS give MURDOCH back to the SPACE WARRIORS]

MURDOCH: yeah were still gonna infect everyone

GANYMEDE: nah

[GANYMEDE begins to close the HYPERSPACE GATEWAYS]

JET: hey anyone know what episode this is

FAYE: i think like episode 4

JET: and how many episodes are there of this thing

SPIKE: well if you dont count MISH MASH BLUES like 26

JET: okay so were gonna get out of this sticky situation

[THE BEBOPPERS escape, THE SPACE WARRIORS get turned into MONKEYS]

FAYE: hey im joining the BEBOP crew

SPIKE: no you arent

FAYE: fuck you i do what i want

[FAYE joins the BEBOP, END OF SESSION]

SPIKE: did i mention i dont like FAYE

FAYE: they dont pay me enough to do this shit

JET: say SPIKE

SPIKE: yeah JET

JET: we probably shouldnt have started to do this right around e3 huh

SPIKE: now that you mention it you CAN tell the points in this parody where the author stopped writing for a few days

FAYE: at least SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY looks good huh gang

anyways lets get into the next one

SPIKE: BALLAD OF FALLEN ANGELS is next right?

wow what a good time to pause this you idiot writer

ME, WHO WROTE THIS WHOLE DA*N THING: i hope you like my self deprecation

here comes the rest of it unless i dont finish this tonight

okay no more meta shit

[SESSION 5: BALLAD OF FALLEN ANGELS aka THE ONE WHERE THE REOCCURRING PLOT ACTUALLY STARTS THEN DISAPPEARS FOR A WHILE]

SPIKE: hey you guys ever here of VICIOUS

JET: thats not a real fucking name no way

SPIKE: well anyways the RED DRAGON SYNDICATE is fucked

JET: shut up and go collect a bounty

SPIKE: yeah sure, ill be right ba-

[FAYE gets kidnapped by VICIOUS...right? VICIOUS kidnaps her right? anyways VICIOUS holds FAYE hostage in a CHURCH]

SPIKE: hello-

VICIOUS: **WHEN ANGELS FALL OUT OF HEAVEN THEY BECOME DEMONS**

 **DONT YOU AGREE SPIKE**

SPIKE: wha-

VICIOUS: **YOURE LIVING A BAD DREAM THAT YOU'LL NEVER WAKE UP FROM SPIKE**

SPIKE: who did this to you

VICOUS: **A BEAST WHO LOST HIS FANGS DID THIS TO ME SPIKE**

 **AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE DIED AND NOW YOU DO TO**

 **BECAUSE YOU WERE THAT BEAST**

SPIKE: wow, okay

let me say my side of the story

i-

THE SINGER FROM "RAIN": _**I DONT FEEL A THING**_

 _ **AND I STOPPED REMEMBERING**_

VICIOUS: **WE BOTH HAVE THE BLOOD OF A WANDERING BEAST**

SPIKE: i dont think i do

VICIOUS: **SHUT THE FUCK OF...**

SPIKE: hey you'r ewearing plot armor right

VICIOUS: **YES**

SPIKE: okay cool just checking

[VICIOUS slams SPIKE through the CHURCH WINDOW. SPIKE has a flashback of MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG. oh yeah and FAYE is okay she got OUTTA THERE]

SPIKE: wow MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG you seem plot important

MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG: my name is JULIA

SPIKE: sing for me

MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG: I AM ALL OF ME

[SPIKE regains conciousness]

FAYE: I AM ALL OF ME

SPIKE: guess what FAYE

FAYE: oh good youre alive

what is it

SPIKE: UNKNOWN FROM M.E. is better

[SESSION END]

JET: so where was i this episode

SPIKE: no one cares this is my show

FAYE: you get your episodes later

just like me

JET: okay so what about these next few episodes

FAYE: ultimately the dont really add much to the overarching plot

SPIKE: okay then im gonna mish mash these ones together

[SESSIONS 6+7: SYMPATHY FOR THE HEAVY METAL QUEEN]

JET: SPIKE

theres this annoying fucking kid whos actually like 80 years old

SPIKE: oh i got this bruh

[SPIKE shoots THAT IDIOT KID in the head and he turns OLD and DIES]

SPIKE: heh...see you space dweeb

FAYE: quick gang...we need to hang out with this cool old lady

VT: im not old

FAYE: and whats with this music

VT: its BABY METAL you loser

SPIKE: well okay but whats the plot of this episode

VT: no one knows my TRUE NAME

SPIKE: well im a bounty hunter so i could probably figure it out

VT: i fucking hate bounty hunters

SPIKE: oh so you must be VICTORIA TERPSICHORE former wife of A LEGENDARY BOUNTY HUNTER

VT: that sure is me

SPIKE: okay, cool

[END OF SESSIONS]

JET: so remind me again why we didnt include the next session in with these ones

SPIKE: because WALTZ FOR ZIZI is a good ass song

FAYE: yup

JET: good point

go listen to WALTZ FOR ZIZI off of the COWBOY BEBOP SOUNDTRACK today folks!

[SESSION 8: WALTZ FOR...venus? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ZIZI?]

SPIKE: i know kung fu

ROCCO: teach me so i can go fight some goons because of drug money or something

SPIKE: just flow like water

ROCCO: flow like butter...got it!

thanks SPIKE

[ROCCO runs off to go fight THE GOONS or whatever. SPIKE talks to ROCCO'S SISTER STELLA]

SPIKE: okay whats going on why is ROCCO and idiot

STELLA: he wants to cure my VENUS SICKNESS

it made me blind so now he does crime stuff

SPIKE: great

JET: can i be in this episode

SPIKE: NO

FAYE: what about me

SPIKE: heres ten dollars leave me alone forever

[ROCCO DIES I FORGET IF STELLA GETS CURED PROBABLY NOT IT DOESNT MATTER LETS GET TO RADICAL EDWARD]

SPIKE: oopsies

[END of SESSION]

SPIKE: ED

JET: ED

FAYE: ED

SPIKE, JET, AND FAYE: ED

ED

ED

RADICAL EDWARD

ED: here is the ED you have been looking for

i am proud to present my very own episode

i made it with someone else hands

here is the EDWARD SESSION

[SESSION 9: JAMMING WITH EDWARD]

JET: so i hear there is a SUPERHACKER on EARTH which is now FUCKED by the way

SPIKE: heyyyyyyyy lets go and get that reward

[THEY go to EARTH]

SPIKE: aw fuck its some little shit kid

ED: fool. you have absolutely no idea who you are dealing with. i could kill you in an instant if i so wished. i could crush you under my pinky finger

SPIKE: uh okay welcome to the crew

[END of SESSION]

ED: hey thanks for having me by the way guys

SPIKE:

JET:

FAYE:

ED:

i hate this family

SPIKE: hey audience can you tell i once again put off writing this?

if all goes as planned im writing literally everything else tonight. its 9 right now and ive put this off for weeks

JET: did you say you would cut this meta bullshit out

SPIKE: okay okay on to the next episode which was the next cool or plot relevant one

FAYE: uuuuuh hold on ill future google it

oh yeah its the ALIEN one

SPIKE: roll film

[SESSION 11: TOYS IN THE ATTIC: COVENANT]

JET: is there anything to eat on this hell ship

SPIKE: well we're surrounded by assholes and dicks all the time so

JET: fuck off SPIKE

SPIKE: oh wait i got one of those rock lobster things in the hell fridge that we have

the one thats connected straight to the 9th circle of hell

JET: maybe dont

SPIKE: ITS TOO LATE JET

[SPIKE OPENS THE INTERDIMENSIONAL DINNER PORTAL TO THE NEXT DIMENSION]

LOBSTER MONSTER: finally i am free

[LOBSTER MONSTER fuckin knocks out JET FAY and EIN]

ED: oh dont worry bruh we got this

SPIKE: time to fuckin load up little shit...

[SPIKE equips a FLAMETHROWER and some other RIPLEY shit]

SPIKE: they call me ranch cause i be dressing

ED: fool.

SPIKE: okay ill kill the damn thing

[SPIKE shoots the LOBSTER MONSTER and FRIDGE outta the BEBOP]

ED: all of our friends have perished. how tragic

SPIKE: nah they'll be back

ED: time is a flat circle , SPIKE

your time will come

SPIKE: uh

[END of SESSION]

SPIKE: mind you i have the complete series box set but ill be damned if im watching all these episodes again

JET: they are pretty accurate i guess

FAYE: this is an ambridgement parody type thing so it doesnt really matter

EIN: bark

SPIKE: good point EIN

on to the next episode

oooooooh fuck im only at JUPITER JAZZ are you fucking joking me

and all the filler episodes are good at this point too

fuck me

and fayes backstory too

no way is this all happening

this is the part where everything in this fic dissovles into chaos and madness so i can finish this thing quicker

here we go

[JUPITER JAZZ GOOO PART 1 AND 2]

FAYE: im tired of this half assed writer im escaping this fic and taking all the money

[FAYE leaves the fic for whichever moon she goes to]

JET: SPIKE WE NEED TO GET HER BACK

WE CANT LOSE THE BEST BACKSTORY WE GOT WE GOTTA GO GET HER

SPIKE: apologize to me and JULIA for what you said

im goin to JUPITER to play some JAZZ with BILL CLINTON...

JET: fine ill get her back then

VICIOUS: **IM ALSO HERE AND I THINK I USED THIS GIMMICK FOR BALLAD OF FALLEN ANGELS**

 _ **DID I ITALICIZE TOO?**_

 **UNDERLINE?**

 **I DONT THINK SO THAT LOOKS BAD**

 **anyways im on JUPITER TOO**

 **also looking for JULIA**

FAYE: and here i am with this possibly insensitive character but also idki havent thought about it that much

GREN: hi

i hate VICIOUS

ill help you find him

[SPIKE GREN AND VICIOUS SHOOT AT EACH OTHER and stuff]

GREN: well im dead

VICIOUS: **ILL BE BACK FOR THE FINALE**

SPIKE: i miss JULIA's SWEET ASS

[END OF JAZZ]

SPIKE: hey folks i just lost the already rushed work i did up to this point

i did the episode with FAYE backstory

im tired of living lets see if i can remember it

sorry to all my fans

[ROUND 2 FAYE SHIT GO]

RANDOM ASS DUDE: hey fFAYE i got a deliver for you

FAYE: is it backstory and exposition

ASS DUDE: how did you know

FAYE: i wrote this jokes already

you're about to vanish from the universe because of laziness

DUDE: how do you know

FAYE: watch

: OH F-

FAYE: anyways looks like im a past girl from EARTH and thats why im poor

SPIKE: hey SPIKE i got this VHS in the mail that said FAYE R34 on it

JET: im very confidant thats not what it is

ive seen COWBOY BEBOP before and im crying just thinking about this episode

SPIKE: lets boot it up

[THE CREW WATCH THAT VERY SAD VIDEO]

SPIKE: i very much want to die now

time to crash the BEBOP into EARTH

[HE DOES]

ED: fools. you have reunited me with my father whos foolish demeanor despite the harsh reality of the gloomy world around him fills me with what must be joy'

i am leaving this starship and taking the dog with me

FAYE: oh yeah and by the way im gonna go wander off and find home

[FAYE lays down in THE SPOT WHERE HER CHILDHOOD BED USED TO BE]

ED'S DAD: hey thanks for delivering to me a child

[ED DAD GIVES SPIKE A LOT OF EGGS]

JET: hey spike do you still feel like dying

SPIKE: very very much

[THEY EAT JUST A WHOLE LOT OF EGGS TO DROWN OUT THE SORROW]

[END OF THE FAYE SAGA]

SPIKE: im depressed

lets go right into REAL FOLK BLUES

[REAL FOLK BLUES: BEGIN]

RED DRAGON SYNDICATE FOLKS: we're gonna break through that fleet

VICIOUS: **CANT LET YOU DO THAT STAR FOX**

RED DRAGON FOLKS: something wrong with the G DEFUSER

VICIOUS: **LONG LIVE THE KING**

[VICIOUS KILLS ALL THE RED DRAGON DUDES]

VICIOUS: **haha nice**

SPIKE: my JULIA senses are tingling

JET: ive heard enough about JULIA go shut up and die you old rat fuck

SPIKE: i already did thay once it didnt take but fine guess ill try again

JULIA: oh hi SPIKE

SPIKE: oh hai JULIA

[JULIA dies]

SPIKE: .

VICIOUS: **SPIKE**

 **ME AND YOU COULD RULE THIS CITY SPIDERMAN**

 **OR WE COULD JUST FIGHT TO THE DEATH**

 **YOU DECIDE**

SPIKE: okay idiot

FAYE: okay im done fuckin around SPIKE\

please do not go

SPIKE: i hear what your saying

but i dont care

i have some philosophical shit to do

JET: Thats our SPIKE! (TM)(C)

[SPIKE GOES KILLS VICIOUS AND KINDA SORTA ALMOST DIES]

SPIKE: hheh...shot em!

[SPIKE FALLS DOWN]

[THE REAL FOLKS BLUES]

JET: well

SPIKE what did you think of the series

SPIKE: i mean

not as good as attack on titan

i wish there were more big boobie anime girls

FAYE: the producers have told me we have been had our funding pullled two hours ago

JET: this isnt fair

we didnt ever get to talk about my episodes

FAYE: oh please COWBOY FUNKBRAIN SCRATCH is better than BOOGIE WOOGIE FENG SHUI

JET: okay but what about BLACK DOG SERENADE

SPIKE: COWBOY FUNK

ED: MURSHROOM SAMBA

EIN: bark

[THE PRODUCERS cut the feed on the BEBOP CREW]

[the REAL real folk blues: end]


End file.
